Funny

”How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell ‘BINGO!’” – Unknown

“When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.” – Will Rogers

“Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.” – José Maria de Eça de Queiroz

”Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong” – Unknown

“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.” – Brian Gerald O’Driscoll

“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go” – Oscar Wilde

“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.” – Abraham Lincoln (paraphrase from the Bible, ‘Proverbs’ 17:28)

“The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.” – Unknown

“The hardest thing in the world to understand is income taxes.” – Albert Einstein

“I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.” – Unknown

“Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you, but not in one ahead.” – Bill McGlashen

“Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.” – Marilyn Monroe

“The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets” – Al McGuire

“When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years.” – Mark Twain

“Why is the place you drive on is a parkway, and the place you park on is the driveway?” – Unknown

”If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button.” – Sam Levenson

“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.” – Earl Wilson

“Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.” – Albert Einstein

“The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.” – Will Rogers

“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.” – Steven Wright

“Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.” – Jack Handey

”Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut-up.” – Unknown

“If evolution is fact, why do mothers only have two hands?” – Milton Berle

“I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.” – Unknown

“I am going to call my kids Ctrl, Alt and Delete. Then if they muck up I will just hit them all at once.” – Unknown

“By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.” – Robert Frost

“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.” – Zig Ziglar

“I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.” – Emo Philips

“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” – Bob Hope

“A friend is someone who will bail you out of jail. A best friend is the one sitting next to you saying ‘boy was that fun.’” – The Maugles

“People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.” – Isaac Asimov

“Why does a woman work ten years to change a man’s habits and then complain that he’s not the man she married?” – Barbra Streisand

“You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog.” – Harry S. Truman

“We live in a  society where pizza gets to your house before the police.” – Unknown

“If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.” – Unknown

“My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.” – Jack Nicholson

“Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.” – Woody Allen

“The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.” – Unknown

“Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.” – Unknown

“To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.” – Wilson Mizner

“Three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere: ‘Hold my purse.’” – Unknown

“I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.” – Unknown

“A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.” – Emo Philips

“Men have two emotions: hungry and horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.” – Unknown

“The sole purpose of a child’s middle name, is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.” – Unknown

“Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.” – Oscar Wilde

“Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.” – Unknown

“My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.” – Ashleigh Brilliant

“I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.” – Axel Rose

“You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket… I’d miss you heaps and think of you often.” – Unknown

“Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?” – Unknown

“A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.” – Franklin Jones

“If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you!” – Henny Youngman

“You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America’s Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn’t want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named ‘Bush’, ‘Dick’, and ‘Colon’.” – Chris Rock

“When you go into court, you are putting your fate into the hands of people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.” – Norm Crosby

“The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.” – Brendan Behan

“Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.” – Unknown

“A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’” – Claude Pepper

“I always take life with a grain of salt, …plus a slice of lemon, …and a shot of tequila.” – Unknown

“The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq.” – Dennis Miller

“The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.” – Winston Churchill

”It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.” – Tommy Cooper

“Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?” – Unknown

“The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.” – Franklin P. Jones

“I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.” – Unknown

”God gave us our relatives; thank God we can choose our friends.” – Ethel Mumford

”A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that ‘individuality’ is the key to success.” – Robert Purvis

“The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.” – George Jessel

“America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and the other half is spent trying to lose weight.” – Unknown

“Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?” – Unknown

“Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge.” – Unknown

“I’m at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.” – Rodney Dangerfield

“If aliens are watching us through telescopes, they’re going to think the dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?” – Jerry Seinfeld

“Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.” – Rodney Dangerfield

”As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.” – Norman Wisdom

“How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?” – Unknown

“Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?” – Rita Rudner

“If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.” – Robin Williams

“By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.” – Charles Wadsworth

“A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won’t cross the street to vote in a national election.” – Bill Vaughan

“To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.” – Unknown

“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.” – Jackie Mason

”Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.” – Oprah Winfrey

”Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position.” – Christopher Marlowe

”Experience is that marvellous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.” – Franklin P. Jones

“Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.” – Jerry Seinfeld

“Dogs have masters. Cats have staff.” – Unknown

“Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give their vacuum one more chance?” – Unknown

“It’s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?” – Ronald Reagan

“A celebrity is someone who works hard all his life to become known and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.” – Fred Allen

“They keep saying the right person will come along, I think mine got hit by a truck.” – Unknown

“See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.” – Robin Williams

”First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.” – Steve Martin

”I hope that after I die, people will say of me: ‘That guy sure owed me a lot of money.’” – Jack Handy

”Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.” – Erma Bombeck

“Life’s disappointments are harder to take when you don’t know any swear words.” – Unknown

“The best way to lie is to tell the truth, carefully edited truth.” – Unknown

“At every party there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.” – Ann Landers

“If you do a job too well, you will get stuck with it.” – Unknown

“Make yourself at home… clean my kitchen.” – Unknown